


Wherein James learns that Prank Wars with Natasha are dangerous

by Samari1



Series: Tales of being friends with a pillow wielding Natasha Romanov [2]
Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bets, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Cussing, Humor, James and Natasha are friends too, M/M, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Natasha has pillows again, Pranks, Sam Wilson is a Saint, Stuffed Shirt Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27532900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samari1/pseuds/Samari1
Summary: Just a bit of fun. Follow up to 'Best that I can'.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton
Series: Tales of being friends with a pillow wielding Natasha Romanov [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2012401
Kudos: 10





	Wherein James learns that Prank Wars with Natasha are dangerous

Clint wasn’t nervous about their upcoming lunch with Steve. Not really. They’d been back almost three months and even Steve seemed okay with them being together. Okay, Nat may have used her ‘Steve’ pillow on him a time or two (dozen), but that was more about him giving James space and treating him like a grown ass adult. She even carried the damn thing in a shoulder tote bag for easy access. Hell, Clint and James had witnessed her beating down a would be mugger just yesterday with the damn pillow. Of course, she’d held a gun on the poor bastard to keep him in place for his well deserved beating. Even the cops watching hadn’t intervened. Clint had overheard the second cop say ‘She does this. That’s Agent Romanov. Just pity the mugger.’ The mugger had been begging and swearing to stop stealing if she’d just let him go. James had intervened before she could kick the first cop’s ass for muttering something about ‘I expected someone taller’. Their lunch had been enjoyable, what with Nat venting her anger beforehand and all. 

“Baby?”

Clint blushed, looking up from his coffee cup. Oh yeah, he’d been filling their travel cups so they could head out. It wasn’t his fault he was sleepy. Okay. It sorta was. But also not. It wasn’t his fault James looked fuckable in all black. Which he’d been wearing last night because James was as scary as Nat and had cornered Sam to convince him to take her out (not a date!) and keep her away from her apartment last night. Sam deserved sainthood, really. He’d not asked questions. They had stolen all her pillows. Well, not the Steve one because it had been with her. But, all the rest. Wooden spoons too. Theirs were locked up in a huge footlocker that Nat wouldn’t be able to lift unless she had help and for this she wouldn’t ask for help. No, they’d started a war. Probably should be more frightened of what she would do in retaliation. It was too much fun though. 

James kissed his cheek and hip bumped him to get him to move. Still blushing, Clint moved. Damn it. Poor James. He wasn’t sure how the man put up with him. “Sorry, Jamie.”

“Don’t apologize. There’s no need. You aren’t worried about Steve being a shit are you?”

“No. Not really. More thinking about what Nat is gonna do to us.”

James snickered and then winced. “Yeah, we might actually be the morons she accuses us of being. But, fuck it. I tucked all the pillows, spoons, and plushies away. I’m glad Banner didn’t question us when we requested a bio lock.”

Clint kissed his guy and took his mug from the counter. “Yeah, he has learned to not ask. That way he can’t be blamed for anything.”

James side eyed him. “Do I want to know why?”

Clint blushed and ducked his head. “Well … uhh … probably not. Maybe, after a lot of vodka, I will tell you. It’s embarrassing.”

Chuckling, James slid his arm around Clint’s waist. “Let’s get moving. No need to get him wound up if we’re late. Why did we agree to this again?”

“He’s your friend and staying away only makes him more obsessive?”

“Yeah, now I remember. Lucky with Aimee?”

Clint nodded fervently. “Until this war is over, hell yes he is!”

James got him moving, laughing. “She’d not harm him.”

“Hmf. She’d dog nap him and hold him hostage.”

James paled. “You warned Aimee right?”

“Yep! Not her first Nat vs Clint war, I promise.”

James snorted. “Yeah, not her last either.”

Clint nearly choked since he’d been taking a drink of coffee. James so very much wasn’t wrong. maybe Fury had been on the right track to keep all of them busy. Nah. Nope, it was much more fun this way.

\--**

Lunch with Steve had actually been pleasant. Clint’s eyes narrowed when they got back to their apartment. Something was off. He couldn’t put his finger on it though. Nat. Evil Nat. Had to be. She was the only one who could get through the security. (They weren’t that big of morons, they’d taken her off the security before starting the war.) “We should look for nasty surprises.”

“Like what?!”

“Well, she’ll not have touched our weapons. Everything else, as long as it isn’t Lucky’s, will be fair game.” He stood just inside the door and pondered the issue. “The question is: How evil was she?”

“There are levels to her evil?”

Tipping his head as he considered it, Clint winced. “Well … there was that time she put green dye in my body wash. Or swapping the sugar and salt.” He paused. “Oh wait, no that one was me to her. She got me back by swapping the coffee for decaf! Decaf, Jamie! She’s fucking evil.”

“And if she were here, she’d thank you for that compliment. What else?” 

Clint didn’t blame his guy for being wary. So he kissed him before listing off a few more memorable pranks. “Salt in the coffee, changed my phone to Swahili…”

“Swahili? Even your voice activated apps?” 

Clint nodded. “Uh huh. I don’t know Swahili! Had to take it to Tony to fix. He laughed for fucking weeks. She changed it so it needed her fingerprint and facial recognition to change the settings. Ugh. I put blonde hair dye in her shampoo for it.”

“Wait. Back up. Stark made fun of you for it?” 

Uh oh. Oops. Maybe he should have left that part out. He tried distracting James. “It was two years ago, it’s fine. I’m over it. She swapped out all the colors my phone flashes for different people. Ha, jokes on her. I check before I answer any calls or texts. Anyway, we should check everything.”

James didn’t look appeased, but they checked every inch of the apartment and found nothing. At least, not until they climbed into bed. It collapsed and Clint was just grateful they’d not been having sex when it happened. An hour later, they finally got all of the screws replaced. (She’d stripped them!) 

“The bed can’t be the only thing.” Clint yawned and curled against James. 

“Sleep. Give me your aids, you forgot them again.” 

“Love you,” Clint murmured, already mostly asleep, slapping at his ears until James gently tugged his hand away and took the aids out.

“I love you too.”

He was the luckiest guy in the world. 

\--**

“What the actual fuck!”

Clint looked up from where he had piled every last bit of their clothing on the bed and maybe all over the floor too. “I can’t find my hoodie.”

James did that slow blink thing. “I can see at least ten hoodies from here, baby. Which one?”

“My favorite!” His eyes shot wide. “Oh fuck. Do you think Nat stole it?”

“I think adding dish detergent to the laundry soap so we had a bubble explosion and fucking with the bed frame was probably it. It’s been four days. If she’d done something else, I think we would have noticed. Maybe you left it at HQ?”

Clint wasn’t convinced. But, he wasn’t exactly the best at keeping track of things. “Maybe?”

“Get another hoodie and we’ll check HQ for the other one.” James hugged him firmly. “She wouldn’t harm it if she did.”

“Hmf.” He cuddled James. “You don’t  _ know _ , Jamie! She will steal it and not give it back until I pay a ransom or worse! She might keep it. Do you know how many hoodies and shirts and stuff she’s stolen over the years?! Hundreds … probably. She does it to everyone, but me most of all. Well, not Steve, but that is because he’s a stick in the mud. Says she needs them for undercover work. Pffft. Not buying it. She does it because everyone knows she is scary.”

“I adore you.” James kissed him so it was all okay. Hmf. Mostly. “I should have asked before, but how exactly does one of your prank wars end?”

Clint rolled his eyes and huffed. “By me declaring her the winner. In writing. Witnessed by someone not involved in the prank war. She has a book for it.”

James laughed so hard Clint had to hold on to him to keep him upright. It was okay though, he loved seeing James this happy.

\--**

“I knew it!”

Nat strolled into the conference room in his favorite hoodie. One brow shot up and she reached in her tote for her pillow. “And where are my pillows and spoons hmmm?”

He tried to look innocent. It wouldn’t work, but it would buy him time to get away and get someone else in the line of pillow fire. “What are you on about?”

He ducked behind Tony and winced at her low shrieking sort of noise. Oops. Shit.

“What are you doing? Why are you wearing Clint’s hoodie, Natasha?” Steve’s confused and yet outraged voice stopped everyone in their tracks. He glared at Clint. “I thought you were with James? Have you been stepping out on him with Natasha?!”

“Shut it, Steve. Fucks sake, no he has not.” James wasn’t happy. In fact, he looked like he wanted to punch Steve. More so than usual. Oops?

“Well, you wouldn’t know, would you?” 

Clint buried his face in his hands for only a moment. He needed to be able to see her coming after all. 

Nat groaned and made those mock vomiting noises that made his stomach hurt just hearing them. “Oh for fucks sake! Ewww! No! I need brain bleach or something now, Rogers! Take it back.”

Steve looked mutinous. “I will not. I demand the truth.”

Nat vaulted the table and began beating Steve with the pillow. “Take it back! Take it back right fucking now!”

“Owwww! Does that have rocks in it?” Steve managed to cover his head with his arms, but that just gave her the opening to pelt him in the stomach. “Fine! Fine! Stop it! I take it back!”

“You’d best never say it again.” James was not playing. “I’ll beat you if you even dare insinuate that shit, Steve, and I won’t use a pillow!”

Nat was still glaring at Steve. “That was an asshole move.”

“Fine. I’m sorry that I jumped to conclusions. Why else would she have his clothes?!”

Nat turned on her heel and marched over to Sam. Awww, no, poor Sam. “Give me that hoodie. Now, Wilson.”

Sam, blushing furiously, stripped off his hoodie. “Why me?”

She shrugged. “I like blue.”

“Well, I’m glad I’m wearing yellow,” Tony quipped, taking a seat at the table. 

Nat eyed Tony. “I like yellow.”

Tony just sighed and unzipped the hoodie he was wearing. He tossed it to her a moment later. “Anyone tell you lately that you’re evil?”

“Awwwwww, for that you can keep this.” She tossed the hoodie back. “Compliments get you everywhere.”

“If you’re done, can we get on with the meeting?” Steve was clearly still irritated.

“I don’t know, can we?” Clint knew he was being a pain in the ass, he just didn’t fucking care. Steve deserved it for being a jackass. As if he’d ever fucking cheat on his partner. Of all his fuck ups, that had never and would never be one of them. 

Bruce, who had thus far managed to stay out of it, seemingly couldn’t resist. “Precision of language, Steve.”

Clint took the long way around to his seat, not wanting to risk getting within arms reach of Nat just yet. He had a feeling it was going to be a long time before he got that hoodie back. Damn it. He should have locked it up with the pillows. Rookie mistake. Oh well, if she killed him, at least he would die happy. Not that she would. Nah, killing him would end her fun of torturing him too quickly. Ouch. Yeah, he was remembering now why prank wars with her were a bad idea. Not that he was going to give up. James was helping him this time, so they maybe, just maybe could win. 

\--**

Bruce just sighed, handing over one of his purple shirts. “Why exactly do you need this?”

James snickered and Clint just grinned as he handed over one of James’ shirts. “This is for you to wear to the next Avengers meeting.”

“So, we’re fucking with Steve, why?”

Clint grumbled. Jeez. You’d think Bruce had learned by now. Duh. 

James sighed. “He needs a lesson. He should be grateful I didn’t rip his head off and shove it up his ass for his comments.”

Bruce winced and then chuckled. “Plus, it’s fun and you can, so why not. Right?”

“Well, yes, of course.” Clint smirked. “I’ll give it back, unlike Evil Nat. Hmf.”

Bruce took the shirt and pointed towards the door. “Out of my lab, both of you. If she finds you in here, I don’t want to know what will happen. No pranks in my lab!”

Clint grabbed James’ hand and all but ran out, not willing to screw with Bruce. “He didn’t say not in Tony’s lab.”

“No, Clint!”

“Yes, Clint! Just think, we can get Nat to help us and she will forget about our prank war.”

James snickered. “At best, we’d just be dividing her attention.”

Clint sighed. James wasn’t wrong. “That’s better than now though, yeah?”

James pulled off his watch cap and then the tie out of his hair and huffed. He didn’t need to point out the bright pink that still hadn't fully washed out yet. “Yes, please.”

“Are you two admitting defeat?”

They both winced and whirled around to see Nat looking very, very smug.

“No.”

Her brows shot up. “I’m keeping the hoodie then.”

“Awww. No. Mean Nat.”

She got that evil grin. “Fine. I’ll return it.”

Suspicious, Clint warily asked, “When?”

“It’ll be a wedding gift.” She laughed at their looks of shock and silence. “Don’t make me lose another bet, gentlemen. I’d be very cranky then.”

She gave James a look that Clint didn’t understand and walked off like a Queen who’d made a decree and expected it to be done. “Uhh. What was that?”

James blushed. “We can talk at home. There has to be a way to beat her at her own game.”

“I’ve tried. So many times. Never works out well. But, that’s not what I meant.”

James backed him into the wall and kissed him until Clint completely forgot anything but finding his room here and making good use of it. It wasn’t until much, much later that he remembered that look of Nat’s. But, when he tried to ask about it, James distracted him again. By the time they actually made it home, Clint had forgotten anything but how much he loved James and how much they needed to sleep. 

\--**

“I have a proposition for you.”

Clint blinked and blindly reached for his coffee. It was a good thing he’d thrown pants on before stumbling down to get coffee. Their prank war had been at a standstill for two months. He knew she was tricksy, so he waited instead of saying something totally dumb.

“What?” James muttered, shoving his hair out of his face and stumbling down the last couple of stairs. “Too early.”

Nat just reclined on their couch, grinning. “We can declare a cease fire if you do one little thing for me.”

Clint knew better. He so did. But, he was an idiot. “What is that one little thing?”

James gulped down his coffee. “How little is little?”

She snickered. “Disappear for a week or two. I mean, you'll tell me oh and Fury where you’re going, but not Steve.”

Clint winced. “What did he do now?”

She rolled her eyes. “He’s still whining about us swapping clothes. Jeez. He needs to adapt. It annoyed me.”

“What else?” James asked dryly. “That can’t be it.”

“He tried to tell me I couldn’t beat on any more muggers. Said I was getting a ‘reputation’.”

“Yeah, we can do that. Have at it. Don’t want to be here when you kill him. Plausible deniability.” Clint was mildly panicked. He made for the stairs already plotting what clothes to pack. “We can go to Tallinn. Remember, Jamie? We wanted to but didn’t make it. Yep. Sounds awesome. Let’s pack now. Bet Aimee will happily dog sit Lucky for us.”

He was half packed when a blushing James joined him. “She’s gone. I swear, I don’t care if Sam is Catholic or not, I am putting his name up for sainthood. That’s where she’s headed now.”

Clint winced. “Poor Sam. I mean, better him than us. So yeah, double check what I packed? I’ll go check with Aimee.”

James kissed him. “Deep breath, baby. Yes, go check with Aimee, but no falling and breaking anything or we’ll not be gone in time to save ourselves.”

Clint raced down the stairs. Yay! No injuries. Then he remembered shoes. He carefully, because duh not taking chances, went back up and saw James tuck something in his backpack. James jolted, looking guilty. “All okay?”

“Yes. Yeah, of course. You couldn’t have gone all the way to Aimee’s and back already. Even you aren’t that quick.”

Clint frowned. “Are you sure everything is okay? Did I do something wrong?”

James dug into his backpack and sighed. “I was going to do this in Tallinn. But, I'm not having you worry over nothing. I know we’ve not been together long, but when it’s right, it’s right. I also know you think you have bad luck and all that-”

Clint crossed the room and pulled James into a hug. “Hey now, it’s usually me having a panic attack. I love you. More than anyone ever. Now, slow down and try again?”

James pulled back just enough to look up at him, holding up a ring box. “Marry me?”

Dumbfounded, Clint could only nod. He was a moron, but not that big of one. He’d fucked up marriage before, but that hadn’t been with the right person. James was the right person and Clint would do anything and everything to not fuck this up. 

“Use your words,” James said teasingly. 

“Yes. Of fucking course, yes.” His eyes widened. “We could elope, but Nat would kill us.”

James laughed. “So we call her. Like she won’t already have a judge paid off or scared shitless of her. We can get married and Tallinn can be our honeymoon?”   
  


“She can have the joy of telling Steve!” Clint was warming to this plan more and more every minute. He kept hold of James with one hand and dug his phone out of his pocket with the other. He called Nat. “So, you have a judge willing to sign a marriage certificate today or no?”

She laughed. “I’m sitting in his office now. Took you two long enough, get your asses here!”

James took the phone from him, grinning wickedly. “As a wedding gift, you can tell Steve about it once we are out of the country and out of reach. So long as you get someone to record his reaction.”

“I even have the hoodie in my bag.” With that she hung up.

They finished packing and were in the judge’s chambers within the hour.


End file.
